“The truth will…

•March 12, 2013 • Leave a Comment

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
― Gloria Steinem

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The Bobblehead Diaries (Day 5 @ 5)

•March 12, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Day 5 – 5 mg. Seriously considering either skipping today’s dose or going back to 10 mg.

The last couple of days have been hellish. The “bobblehead” feeling and disconnection was intense yesterday. Episodes of sweating (hot flashes are a breeze compared to this shit), random aches, pains and discomfort everywhere. Plus overwhelming sleepiness. That’s just a tease – ’cause sleep is fleeting at best. What little sleep you get is peppered with incredibly vivid and erratic dreams of your life.

The horrifically sad part is, as this drug releases it’s hold on you, tidbits of your dreams reflect excruciatingly painful truths. This demonic drug lulled you into a completely surreal perception that you and your life were “fine”. Now as you attempt to truly and finally free yourself from it’s grasp, it shows you what a complete and total fuck-up you’ve actually been. It’s like quicksand, the more you struggle, the more you sink. My emotions, normally buried deep, hidden within tombs worthy of Kings and Gods, now lay mere millimeters from the surface. 

Finding the courage to rebuild a life from the shards of such humiliation and disgrace, is not an easy task. Certainly not for those of us whose weaknesses led us to take the devil’s pill in the first place. You question everything now. Whether there is even a reason to rebuild?    

It is not only terrifying for the addict, but admittedly risky for those who care deeply for us. They may witness heart-wrenching vulnerability that stands in stark contrast to the carefully orchestrated, consummate performances of our usual fraudulent drug-induced composure.

I understand now this whole journey will involve coming to terms with the truth of who I really am. To learn how to embrace all parts of me, especially the darker ones. Those parts of me I chose to medicate away for fear of punishment, rejection, criticism and embarrassment.

ALL parts of us need a voice. We silence them at our own risk. Please stay strong. I shall. 

Big hugs and much love, 

The Real Mamazander – Warts and all. (Meaning: The whole thing; not concealing the less attractive parts)

 

The Bobblehead Update

•March 9, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Day 2 on 5 mg. Fun is an understatement. The wobbly-bobbly head feeling is like a jack-in-the-box, you just NEVER know when it’s going to pop up. Thus new rules for living: ladders – no, stairs are not my friend – hand railings are (mandatory), sitting as much as possible, exercise – for now I’ll live vicariously watching my cats frolick. As this settles down, I do plan on exercising – as it is now March and the copious amounts of snow are melting as the sun begins to exert her authority once again.

The pate was/is AWESOME. The B vitamins must be working as my pee is fluorescent, and provides the added benefit of being a great bathroom nightlight.

So far withdrawal from Paxil seems eerily similar to my drinking days. It’s like being drunk (some of the physical symptoms are identical), and I’ve lost a lot of my inhibitions (hello – libido!). My apologies if this is TMI, but for me being completely truthful with myself (for the first time in decades) is essential during this process. I am also finding that my memories are returning 🙂 and that I am engaged in their recollection rather than blankly observing them like acquaintances watching the neighbours family vacation slide-show.

I am also experiencing clarity in the reasons why I chose to ‘self-medicate’ first with drugs and alcohol and then with prescription drugs. Having this awareness is helping me identify the seeds responsible for propagating the fields that fed the symptoms of anxiety and depression.

It is only by recognizing and accepting these truths, that I can eradicate and cease the cycle of self-destruction.

Big hugs and a healthy dose of courage xoxoxoxo Mamazander

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My Greatest Fear

•March 8, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I finally discovered that my greatest fear is not losing everything. It’s being vulnerable.

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“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.”― Sigmund Freud

I must be crazy!

•March 7, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Well world, wish me luck. Time to say goodbye to my “Paxhell” existence. Many hours of googling later, I’ve absorbed much sage advice (one of which was to journal my detox/withdrawal) thus this (and subsequent ) posts.

I share a common bond with the other survivors/addicts/victims(volunteers?) who travel this very same lonely path. I undertook this journey unwittingly, albeit well-intentioned in my desire, many years ago to avoid “the fear”. Little did I know, it was an invitation to possession instead. Like Dracula, you’re only subject to it if you give into its temptation…if you invite it in. I shall not go into the abyss of describing life on Paxil, there are many, many (and I mean many) pages recounting our stories.

This is my story of weaning off Paxil. 5 days ago I halved my dosage. From 20 mg to 10 mg. Withdrawal symptoms started with night sweats and cold chills interrupting my sleep. Now I am experiencing a daily dose of dizziness/wooziness and “I swear my head is about 2 feet above my neck / I’m a walking bobble-head” . Plus the nausea. Holy Crap and I’m still at 10 mg.

Seriously considered going “cold-turkey” but that can be very dangerous and too risky for my heart, so I guess it’s the slow and steady route. Maybe I’ll ask my Doc about the liquid Prozac option, easier to wean off of? I’ll keep you posted.

On a more positive note, my libido has returned and now I seem to be able to complete my sentences and even recall more elaborate words. Yeehaw! (that wasn’t one of them)

Today I started taking a B-complex vitamin. Plus I am making home-made chicken liver pate with hard-boiled eggs in it for dinner because I read that choline and lecithin are beneficial while withdrawing from Paxil. Both liver and eggs are good sources – and because I freakin’ totally love this pate and it’s easy to make!

To those struggling with this demon (and others) know my heart and prayers are with you all.  May we find our LIGHT at the end of this tunnel (and not a train).

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Big Hugs to you all, xoxoxoxox

The lovely and talented, Mamazander ❤

HaPpY SaTuRdAy … Here’s a great quote

•March 2, 2013 • Leave a Comment

“If your presence adds nothing positive to my life, your absence will surely take nothing positive away.”

Props to Chip Coffey for sharing this.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

The Greatest Battle

•February 27, 2013 • Leave a Comment

The Greatest Battle