The Bobblehead Diaries – Day “I’ve lost count”

I’m finding life at 10 mgs similar to being stuck on cruise control. While the unpleasant physical symptoms are gone, the mental lethargy / chemical complacency is frustrating as hell. The dosage is not enough to supress the emotions anymore, but it’s just enough to make them inconsistent, unreliable and somewhat unmanageable.

I find myself struggling every single day to try and maintain an even keel, but this oar-less ship of mine has no rudder and I’m at the whim of every emotional wave. While emotions are certainly welcome again after such a long absence, this inability to cohesively function at a critical point in my life is dangerously paralyzing.

Not trusting my own internal compass, I put it away decades ago. And in the ensuing years I’ve relied on others, and various substances, to provide me with direction and purpose. Now here I sit.

Lost.

Directionless.

Uninspired.

and still on Paxil.

Hauntingly aware of so much enthusiasm and spark laying dormant within.

Image

To return to the cruise control analogy it’s like there’s a V8 Hemi under the hood, but I’m stuck doing 40. There’s a little old lady behind the wheel, who thinks she’s keeping us safe. What she doesn’t know is that the bridge is out ahead and if we don’t pick up speed we’re going to plunge into an abyss.

“I” know. But I can’t seem to speak, move or look away.

And today, that is what life at 10 mgs feels like. Yet I remain steadfast, courageous and resilient in this journey to find myself. May you do the same.

Big hugs xoxoxoxoxo Mama Z

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~ by mamazander on April 9, 2013.

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