The Bobblehead Diaries: Day 12 – I am an addict.

I am an addict. Pure and Simple.

I have made the decision today to go back to 10 mg of Paxil, perhaps 20 mg. My body shall be my guide. I am doing this for a number of reasons. While my intentions are good, the way in which I began this undertaking is DANGEROUS.

I chose to dismiss the clear and present warnings that were abundant during my research into a life without Paxil.  I clearly see the arrogance in my thinking that sheer strength-of-will would be enough to defeat this addiction. I am alive today and will remain alive because I recognize and embrace that I am an addict. The proof is in the pudding.

When I see myself as an addict, I can accept that there is no true recovery on my own.  In an intervention does anyone ever suggest a heroin addict or alcoholic just ride it out at home? No, they get their asses into a treatment facility. Problem is there is no treatment facility for SSRI addicts that I am aware of. Even if it existed, who could afford it? Not me, that’s for sure.

I beg, and pray that anyone who reads this blog and who wishes to escape their Paxhell existence, or know of someone who wishes freedom from SSRI’s – WILL DO IT THE SAFE WAY.

DO NOT think you can beat this alone. It is a dangerous life-threatening drug that has messed with the biological chemistry of your brain / entire body! There is no quick fix. There is no simple pink pill antidote.

This reality makes panic attacks seem like fuzzy little kittens.

I shall share what I have discovered in the last 12 days. These days have been precious beyond measure for what they have taught me. They have not been wasted, and I am not weak nor a failure. The best way I can describe it is:

Imagine you finally take your dream vacation of a lifetime. The one you have been saving money for since you first saw a picture of the Eiffel Tower, an exquisite Hawaiian beach or a majestic European castle. That place. That magical place you always dreamed of. You ARE there – “pinch yourself” there.

While on this trip you meet the most incredible, extraordinary person. You fall in love. I mean the kind of love that defies description. Your soul has been touched and your destiny without question or doubt is to BE forever, with this person.

Your vacation comes to an end but you cannot bear the thought of leaving. Begrudgingly you pack your suitcase and board your plane back to your previous ‘life’.  As soon as your plane takes off, you know what you must do. One day, soon, you will return to this place and this person. The first day of the rest of your ‘life’ has begun. Every thought, every action and every step from now is in that direction.

I met that person in the last 12 days. She is ME, and she is AWESOME beyond words and I can’t wait to BE her for the rest of my life.

She is waiting – on the other side of Paxhell.

Is recovery possible? ABSOLUTELY.  I have a Doctor’s appointment Monday to plan my SAFE and gradual withdrawal from Paxil.

Go to for proof. One day you will read about MY recovery, and write about your own.

With much love, and compassion, and humility


~ by mamazander on March 14, 2013.

One Response to “The Bobblehead Diaries: Day 12 – I am an addict.”

  1. I am weaning. It’s terrible. I am also on Paxil progress.

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