The Bobblehead Diaries (Day 5 @ 5)

Day 5 – 5 mg. Seriously considering either skipping today’s dose or going back to 10 mg.

The last couple of days have been hellish. The “bobblehead” feeling and disconnection was intense yesterday. Episodes of sweating (hot flashes are a breeze compared to this shit), random aches, pains and discomfort everywhere. Plus overwhelming sleepiness. That’s just a tease – ’cause sleep is fleeting at best. What little sleep you get is peppered with incredibly vivid and erratic dreams of your life.

The horrifically sad part is, as this drug releases it’s hold on you, tidbits of your dreams reflect excruciatingly painful truths. This demonic drug lulled you into a completely surreal perception that you and your life were “fine”. Now as you attempt to truly and finally free yourself from it’s grasp, it shows you what a complete and total fuck-up you’ve actually been. It’s like quicksand, the more you struggle, the more you sink. My emotions, normally buried deep, hidden within tombs worthy of Kings and Gods, now lay mere millimeters from the surface. 

Finding the courage to rebuild a life from the shards of such humiliation and disgrace, is not an easy task. Certainly not for those of us whose weaknesses led us to take the devil’s pill in the first place. You question everything now. Whether there is even a reason to rebuild?    

It is not only terrifying for the addict, but admittedly risky for those who care deeply for us. They may witness heart-wrenching vulnerability that stands in stark contrast to the carefully orchestrated, consummate performances of our usual fraudulent drug-induced composure.

I understand now this whole journey will involve coming to terms with the truth of who I really am. To learn how to embrace all parts of me, especially the darker ones. Those parts of me I chose to medicate away for fear of punishment, rejection, criticism and embarrassment.

ALL parts of us need a voice. We silence them at our own risk. Please stay strong. I shall. 

Big hugs and much love, 

The Real Mamazander – Warts and all. (Meaning: The whole thing; not concealing the less attractive parts)

 

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~ by mamazander on March 12, 2013.

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