Self-Pity

•June 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Self-Pity

What do you mean this shade of self-pity doesn’t look good on me? But…I’ve been wearing it for years.

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Forgiveness & Peace

•May 10, 2013 • Leave a Comment

“Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

violets

Today

I began a journey

to make peace

with two of the most

influential people

in my life.  

In forgiveness lies my peace.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ~Mark Twain

It’s been awhile

•May 8, 2013 • Leave a Comment

It’s been awhile since I:

Me & Goldie

Knew who I was

Knew what I wanted

Felt true

Had purpose/direction

Was free

Played with a light heart

Had no responsibilities or worries

Was delighted by my imagination

Felt worthy

Had courage

Expressed myself

Was ME

The Bobblehead Diaries – Day “I’ve lost count”

•April 9, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I’m finding life at 10 mgs similar to being stuck on cruise control. While the unpleasant physical symptoms are gone, the mental lethargy / chemical complacency is frustrating as hell. The dosage is not enough to supress the emotions anymore, but it’s just enough to make them inconsistent, unreliable and somewhat unmanageable.

I find myself struggling every single day to try and maintain an even keel, but this oar-less ship of mine has no rudder and I’m at the whim of every emotional wave. While emotions are certainly welcome again after such a long absence, this inability to cohesively function at a critical point in my life is dangerously paralyzing.

Not trusting my own internal compass, I put it away decades ago. And in the ensuing years I’ve relied on others, and various substances, to provide me with direction and purpose. Now here I sit.

Lost.

Directionless.

Uninspired.

and still on Paxil.

Hauntingly aware of so much enthusiasm and spark laying dormant within.

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To return to the cruise control analogy it’s like there’s a V8 Hemi under the hood, but I’m stuck doing 40. There’s a little old lady behind the wheel, who thinks she’s keeping us safe. What she doesn’t know is that the bridge is out ahead and if we don’t pick up speed we’re going to plunge into an abyss.

“I” know. But I can’t seem to speak, move or look away.

And today, that is what life at 10 mgs feels like. Yet I remain steadfast, courageous and resilient in this journey to find myself. May you do the same.

Big hugs xoxoxoxoxo Mama Z

The Bobblehead Diaries: Day 20

•March 22, 2013 • 1 Comment

Well this journey is certainly not turning out the way I envisioned it.

The enthusiasm and anticipation of recovering myself and my life now wane under the influence of the demon drug. I am paralyzed by apathy and frustration. As a supreme and lifelong procrastinator this is particularly paradoxical.

I want my life to be fixed. NOW. Like in I Dream of Jeannie, I wish to fold my arms and blink and LIVE the life I know is waiting for me. Worst of all, right now I don’t want to put the effort into actually fixing it.

My Doctor was very supportive and has given me a new RX for 10 mg Paxil which will be easier to split into smaller doses. I’m staying with the pill form since switching to liquid in itself can cause difficulties after 20 odd years on pills. Yes 20 odd years. Odd. Yes they certainly were.

Currently I’ve been shaving some (not measuring) off my half-20 mg pills. So I’m still somewhere around 10 mg (hopefully less) and the bobblehead/whoosh feeling has left, now substituted for the usual Paxhell indifference.

I’d like to try 2.5 mg reductions. It will depend on the withdrawal symptoms of course. I am going to focus less on the calendar and will try and let my body be my guide.

Now that I see the finish line, this last lap is brutal. This won’t be easy, I really want to put the pedal to the metal and floor it to freedom. I caught a glimpse of who I can be without this chemical lobotomy and being stuck in what feels like a detox purgatory is tedious and exasperating.

Wish I could be more positive, but the insidious demon drug and its quicksand hold on me remain firm today.

I shall end with these parting words:

soulseeds

xoxoxoxoxoxx mwah…..MamaZ

The World’s Done Shaking Me Down

•March 15, 2013 • 1 Comment

Image

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAHBuWl48cg

I’m ready. Yes my seatbelt is securely fastened and my seatback and tray table are in their full upright and locked position.

And why yes, I’m on twitter too: @mamazander

xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

The Bobblehead Diaries: Day 12 – I am an addict.

•March 14, 2013 • 1 Comment

I am an addict. Pure and Simple.

I have made the decision today to go back to 10 mg of Paxil, perhaps 20 mg. My body shall be my guide. I am doing this for a number of reasons. While my intentions are good, the way in which I began this undertaking is DANGEROUS.

I chose to dismiss the clear and present warnings that were abundant during my research into a life without Paxil.  I clearly see the arrogance in my thinking that sheer strength-of-will would be enough to defeat this addiction. I am alive today and will remain alive because I recognize and embrace that I am an addict. The proof is in the pudding.

When I see myself as an addict, I can accept that there is no true recovery on my own.  In an intervention does anyone ever suggest a heroin addict or alcoholic just ride it out at home? No, they get their asses into a treatment facility. Problem is there is no treatment facility for SSRI addicts that I am aware of. Even if it existed, who could afford it? Not me, that’s for sure.

I beg, and pray that anyone who reads this blog and who wishes to escape their Paxhell existence, or know of someone who wishes freedom from SSRI’s – WILL DO IT THE SAFE WAY.

DO NOT think you can beat this alone. It is a dangerous life-threatening drug that has messed with the biological chemistry of your brain / entire body! There is no quick fix. There is no simple pink pill antidote.

This reality makes panic attacks seem like fuzzy little kittens.

I shall share what I have discovered in the last 12 days. These days have been precious beyond measure for what they have taught me. They have not been wasted, and I am not weak nor a failure. The best way I can describe it is:

Imagine you finally take your dream vacation of a lifetime. The one you have been saving money for since you first saw a picture of the Eiffel Tower, an exquisite Hawaiian beach or a majestic European castle. That place. That magical place you always dreamed of. You ARE there – “pinch yourself” there.

While on this trip you meet the most incredible, extraordinary person. You fall in love. I mean the kind of love that defies description. Your soul has been touched and your destiny without question or doubt is to BE forever, with this person.

Your vacation comes to an end but you cannot bear the thought of leaving. Begrudgingly you pack your suitcase and board your plane back to your previous ‘life’.  As soon as your plane takes off, you know what you must do. One day, soon, you will return to this place and this person. The first day of the rest of your ‘life’ has begun. Every thought, every action and every step from now is in that direction.

I met that person in the last 12 days. She is ME, and she is AWESOME beyond words and I can’t wait to BE her for the rest of my life.

She is waiting – on the other side of Paxhell.

Is recovery possible? ABSOLUTELY.  I have a Doctor’s appointment Monday to plan my SAFE and gradual withdrawal from Paxil.

Go to http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/ for proof. One day you will read about MY recovery, and write about your own.

With much love, and compassion, and humility

Mamazander